That Last Little Bit

It’s an odd thing to explain this one especially when one considers how far I’ve come. When we visited England last month those who hadn’t seen me in the intervening years first observation was usually my weight loss. It was a great confidence booster and I thanked them but internally I’d often think ‘but there’s still that last little bit!’ Cat often tells me it’s nothing and it’s dramatically less than it was; she’s right. However it’s hard to convey just how much it bugs me that it won’t shift and the fact that even now I’m just not used to see who’s looking back at me in the mirror.

In truth a lot of my issues, I think, hinges on the fact that I was overweight for so long. I was often last to be picked for football at school, I could barely make it round the cross-country and much preferred staying at home and watching TV. I don’t really remember of any point in my life until recently where I could say I was of average weight. I started to get a little more active as I got older but habits are hard to break and a difficult period after leaving Uni saw my weight balloon quite dramatically. One strange thing is that I can tell you how I lost the weight but not why. I didn’t get up one day and say “right, I’m losing weight starting now” it just kind of happened and things just went on from there. Slowly but surely I started to lose the weight, gain some muscle and overall my health improved. Fast forward to now and I’m fitter and healthier than I was 5 years ago by a long shot but that last little bit still bugs me.

I understand and appreciate that cardio alone will not shift it, I get it, but as I’ve mentioned in the past I’m pretty bad at keeping to exercise routines. That being said, however, I’ve promised Cat that I’ll join her in a 30 day abs challenge and who knows, maybe that’ll help get me into varied enough routine to help? Either way I appreciate that I’ll need to do more to get over this one final hurdle. I often worry, too much if you ask Cat, about what I eat and generally feel these days that my diet, whilst not amazing, is okay. Will I have to change things here too, probably, but the thing I liked the most about how I lost weight in the first place was that really I only made minor changes to my diet and they were mostly portion size. I’m not a big fan of cutting things out as I found when I did this previously I’d often want to binge on what I was skipping out on. By having the occasional soft drink or fast food night it meant I could keep the cravings in check. In the end though I know that a combination of these things plus what I’m already doing should eventually help shift that last little bit.

In the end though there’s one thing I think I need to do first, above everything else, and that’s be happy with how I am now. Be happy with the fact that not only did I lose the weight but I’ve maintained it which is an added difficulty for anyone who loses weight. Not only that but really be proud of the achievements I’ve collected along the way. I know that it’s a dangerous thing tying future happiness to something because there’s every chance that if you obtain it you then need for something else to make  you happy. I wonder if, by accepting myself as I am now, I’ll just take whatever comes next as an added bonus rather than tying future happiness to something which can lead you off in to very dark places.

If you’ve read this far thank you for letting me vent. I was unsure as to whether to post this when I started to write it but at the same time I’ve found since my troubles in 2012 that writing things down help. They’ve often been consigned to an offline journal but this one I wanted to share with everyone, a chance to peer in to my thoughts maybe, either way, thank you for listening.